rinjin 13-gou
Apparently, life really is just a constant test of one’s restraint. I’m still unsure about the grading system for such an exam.
So lately, I’ve had vengeance on the mind. By lately, I mean for eleven months, and by vengeance, I mean unspeakable acts of inhumanity. Try to believe me when I say unspeakable, perhaps even un-writable, but for me, definitely not unfathomable. I fathom them regularly and with a cruel and black-hearted glee. Oh, the fathoming on which you’re missing out by not being trapped in my head. But, for all my talk of such things, I have yet to commit an act of violence against another living creature that doesn’t possess an exoskeleton. What can I say, I have prejudice against organic beings enveloped in shells. Unless they’re ninja. Then I know better than to pick a fight. I’m angry, not crazy.
To me, Rinjin 13-gou (Neighbor No. 13) tells a story about a guy who is unable to manage his need to restrain himself when it comes to life’s little nuisances like having acid poured on his face by elementary school bullies and meeting Puffy’s Yoshimura Yumi (pictured above). Now, I’ve been given the impression by people claiming to be somewhat “in-the-know” that Japanese society at large prefers it when people handle their problems on their own, without inconveniencing others and with a minimum of bitching. Now, I’ve never actually had acid poured on my face, but I don’t know if I’d be able to suck it up and keep it to myself. The same goes for meeting Yumi-chan. If I met Ami, I could probably go my whole life without telling anyone, though. That is, as they say, how I roll. But really, I think maybe the acid-wielding jackass in my homeroom should get a time-out or maybe even detention for inconveniencing me in such a way. Apparently though, even behavior of this ilk can fall under the “kids will be kids” umbrella (or the “loveable scamp defense,” to use a phrase that I’ve suddenly coined using my butt). It makes the debate between living in an overly litigious society and living with only half a face even more complex. I know you think I’m just gratuitously pandering to the lowest common denominator and jumping on the bandwagon by bringing up such a common hot-button debate topic, but… Well… You’re right.
Now, the point here is that, while the movie is interesting and worthwhile, I’m once again going to forego its analysis in favor of droning on about myself. I like to think of myself as the sort of person who supports my position on any given subject with action. For the most part, I think try to avoid hypocrisy at any and all costs. To a fault, I think I’ve valued a hard-edged sense of integrity over being considerate in my past. Somehow, I’ve convinced myself that truth is ultimately the most worthwhile pursuit, even now when I don’t necessarily believe in the absolute nature of truth as a concept. Lately, I also have felt that such a position seems infested with arrogance that my concept of truth is somehow valuable to anyone foolish enough to wander within earshot of my raving tirades. Nevertheless, I find myself holding fast to the practice of preventing my actions from contradicting my principles, albeit in a slightly more self-conscious, unobtrusive way than in my younger days. Imagine my chagrin, then, when it comes to my usual default emotional reaction of spiteful brutality.
As I said, I’ve never followed through on any of my violent tendencies. I think this leads to the impression that I am in fact, all talk. When friends and acquaintances give me what appears to be the benefit of the doubt, I find them saying that they think I’m a better person than I want to admit, and that I’m unknowingly incapable of such petty and vindictive behavior. I counter this by telling the countless stories I have of committing acts of (equally harsh but trickier to litigate) mental cruelty with little remorse, the highlight of which is when I made a friend of mine cry simply because she didn’t believe that I could do it. In addition to an overgrown sense of pride when it comes to restraint, I have a fear of severe punishment and a vivid imagination for aftermath scenarios, and this unholy trinity keeps me from pursuing my desires willy-nilly. As my evil(er) twin can verify, if you were a VCR that failed me instead of a friend, you would face much more dire retribution. But don’t let that fool you into doubting the tenacity of my anger.
A hypothetical: Imagine for a moment that we’re hanging out on a day that is particularly laden with difficult memories, in a place that is torturously familiar because of those memories. Now pretend that you are shouting at me about how retarded you are with love towards your recently acquired companion, while I am doubting my willingness and capacity to feel any joy ever again and specifically unable (and perhaps somewhat unwilling) to shake away the seemingly indestructible shackles of the past because the immediate circumstances are like fucking Kryptonite to me. Now, never mind that I’ve just made a reference that puts me in the shiny, hideous red boots of my least favorite character in all of fiction, which isn’t helping my mood. When I tell you that your insensitivity makes me want to punch you in the face, I’m not just making idle conversation. I’m not trying to be funny. I’m not venting. I’m not bluffing. I’m not lying. I’m telling you that, if I thought I could get away with it, I wouldn’t waste more time telling you about it. I want so badly for it to be a viable option that I’m picturing it and that’s why I’m smiling. It’s not because I’m good humored. Can we still be friends? Hypothetically.
And what if I’m wearing down my ability to restrain myself with each of these incidents?
March 3rd, 2007 at 6:03 am
First response! Yay. (Guess who woke me up at 5?)
As much as your last paragraph spirals toward it, you are not and never will be a violent person. If your restraint wears down, your smarts will still save you — violence after all is dumb.
March 5th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Ok fisticuffs, that’s it. We’re never hanging out alone again. From now on, I’m always bringing soon to be famed fiction author Michael DeSilva. That way, when you lose your self-restraint and throw the first punch, I will use my cat-like reflexes to shield my body with his, and he will absorb the blows. So, I’ll like totally see you on Wednesday. Oh, and ps. I would hypothetically kick you in the throat. How many times do I have to tell you, you’re going the right way for a throat kick, and I don’t care who knows it!
March 5th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
So, let me preface this by reciting the violence that I’ve known in my life (not to negate what goes on in your head, but to put a personal spin on the whole “I’m violent” discussion):
1) Haven’t lived through a war or an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding psycho or an interogation by a tooth-yanking secret agent with an accent (i.e. haven’t experienced the most devastating or scary or physcially painful type of violence that we’ve managed to come up with in this world).
2) Have taught high-school in the South Bronx, where teenagers typically solve most of their problems through swift violence — e.g. taking a splintered block of wood from which protrudes a sharp and rusty nail and bludgeoning a boy’s head with it until 4 security guards manage to pry the bludgeoner off. Also, pulling that ho’s weave out.
3) Have imagined violent revenge on various people who have hurt or annoyed me throughout my life (although I think I can probably assure you that my own violent imaginations aren’t all that violent compared to yours: a) I’m not that creative; b) Realistic violence in movies horrifies me and I can’t watch it, so I certainly can’t stand watching it in my head for too long).
4) Until the age of 18, I lived in a home in which violence occurred on a nearly-daily basis. I grew up with a parent who hit, punched, kicked, and shoved her children at the slightest provocation. That rubbed off on my older brother for awhile too, unfortunately. So add in a brother who did the same. It rubbed off on me too, for a little bit, until I hurt my little brother so badly (at least to my view) that I got jolted out of that learned behavior. Luckily my little brother never picked it up at all. There was lots of screaming, and an incident involving my mother running around the house wielding a knife. I never ended up in the hospital, at least, though I did spend several hours locked out of the house wihtout my coat in the middle of a snowstorm one January (and these were in the days before Al Gore caused Global Warming by making that movie and playing that catchy Melissa Etheridge song…).
Anyway, my point is this (crap, it’s a preachy one): I believe that you do a disservice to yourself and to the people who suffer because of the unending supply of actual and real violence in this world by attempting to lump yourself in among those who cause so much hurst and devastation because they are NOT held back by your trinity. (i.e. what do YOU know about real violence? that was said in a bitchy tone, but now it’s gone)
It’s not that I don’t believe that you have unspeakably cruel and violent thoughts, and that you have said in the past, and plan to continue to say, cruel things to people (but I’m putting aside verbal cruelty here, since we’re talking about physical violence). Of COURSE you have those thoughts — you’re human, and we’re all programmed with some degree of violence. There are three types of humans when it comes to violence, I believe: 1) Those who actually are violent, and consistently enact the violent thoughts that come into their heads (our jails are full of them); 2) Those who are not violent — these people think violent thoughts, some on a more regular basis than others, but restrain themselves because they are thoughtful, scared, good, or any combination of the above; 3) Those who are generally not violent, but on occasion have given in to their violent urges.
Of the second category of violent folks, in which I include myself, most of us just keep those thoughts in our heads, ashamed to tell people about them because we believe that we are evil and abnormal for thinking these things. I believe that your method of dealing with your violent thoughts, i.e. telling us that you have them, is probably the healthiest, ergo the least likley to actually end in violence. It’s an addition to the trinity that prevents the actual violence. The reason that people keep telling you that they don’t believe you are actually violent is not because they don’t believe you when you say that you think things; it’s because they know you’re THINKING them, and if you’re thinking them, and then taking the time to share the fact that you’re thinking them, you’re probably even less likely to act on them than the rest of us, who can’t admit to our violent thoughts in public, and are therefore more likely to burst if we ever DO get as filled with violent imagery as you are these days.
Then again, maybe you are in the third category — I’m not saying that you might not be driven to the breaking point. If enough of us keep telling you that you’re not violent, you might just need to prove us wrong.
I could also go into meandering thoughts about violence in video games and the whole “does it cause kids to be violent or prevent them from being violent by allowing them to express their violence in virtual reality instead of actual reality” debate. Don’t worry, I won’t, but the truth is — writing a blog about your violent thoughts, telling friends about them, drawing them, etc. — kinda falls right in there on the side of violent video games being violence preventatives rather than violence causatives.
The whole point here being: I do not mean to say that you are not thinking what you say you are thinking.
March 5th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
oh, and i promise, i’m all out of serious posts for the rest of my life…..
March 6th, 2007 at 2:03 am
Okay, here we go…
Goose: On the one hand, I’m flattered and happy that, after tending to your daughter, the first thing you’re doing is responding to the ravings of a lunatic. For that I thank you. Still, the brievity and nature of your response feels a bit dismissive for my taste. I guess you did offer your opinion on what I think is the underlying question of my post; whether violence as a personality trait is categorized by action or intent. So, thanks.
Er: I’m too afraid of you to start any shit. To reiterate an earlier point: I’m angry, not retarded. Keep your feet away from my throat. I’ll be good, I promise. Of course, if you’re just offering up an opportunity to beat the crap out of De Silva, I’m in.
Chava: It saddens me that you’re done with these kinds of posts already. I find your contribution to be welcome and very much appreciated. Not only does it rival my own attempt to be frank and autobiographical at the cost of the reader’s comfort, but you make salient points that challenge my assumption that I so thoroughly cover these subjects that my thoughts are, while meandering, clear. As such, I need to set the record straight by saying that I didn’t mean to sound as if I were trying to glorify or aspire to violent action. I realize that, by saying that the lack of partaking in such behavior in my own life makes me feel dishonest, it may have seemed like I was just trying to get the nerve up to commit such acts. Rather, the choices I make seem to always be weighed and considered rather than impulsive, and the result so far has always been inaction. While I feel strongly enough that this decision is sound that I repeat it constantly, I’m simply noting that I feel conflicted more here than in any other aspect of my conduct because it is the area of my life where there is the least synchronization between thought and action. That is to say, for all of the times I’ve chosen passivity over physical violence, I’m surprised such urges continue to persist with such intensity. Naturally, I also feel guilty and ashamed to admit that I want to punch the faces of people I care about. As for the function of violent thought and the possibility of provided catharsis, I think it’s situationally independent. There have been times when my vivid, rage-fueled violent fantasies quench my thirstiest vengeance, and there are times when such viciousness proves only to be a crutch, encouraging my ability to bear a grudge, Ouroboros-like.
March 6th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
oh, okay, fine, i will post lots more ridiculously long posts that make people uncomfortable! weeee!!!
also, just watched closing arguments in a murder trial, up close and personal style — don’t murder people, ‘cuz court gets real boring……
March 9th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
first of all, does that butt-coinage function as legal tender? just asking, my cash flow’s not so good these days.
second, let me just, um, second the point that if in fact you were a VCR you certainly would have a different understanding of eugene and his violent tendencies. and that understanding would come most likely in the form of being very very dead.
third, i think what’s come up here is maybe more interesting than the “are you violent because of what you think, or violent because of what you do?” question since, as it has been pointed out, the impetus to actually commit violent acts can come from several different sources including stupidity, insanity, or actually needing to use violence as all other avenues have been closed off to you and since euge is neither stupid nor insane nor lacking in other methods of persuasion we can all see why he doesn’t actually punch his friends in the face. was that all one sentence? what, it’s not like i’m supposed to be teaching america’s youth how to communicate in written form. oh, whoops. anyhow, the more interesting issue to me seems to be the way in which we all want to have a legitimate and “right” relation to violence as can be seen in phrases like “a better person” or euge’s desire to have a consistent and therefore “honest” relation to his own violence or the authenticity aspect of a comment like “what do YOU know about violence.” my own version of this would be to go off on how i think that to fixate on individual acts of violence or portrayals of violent acts in movies or video games is to miss the point entirely. it is to act as if violence is a personal choice reducible to one’s intelligence and personality, and not (as i believe it to be) built into the structure of power and powerlessness in which we live and to which we contribute all the time. i am causing pain and suffering by the fact that i participate in a system in which i can sit here all warm and cozy typing away while someone is a few feet away on the street freezing her fucking ass off. that’s not to say it wouldn’t be worse if instead of giving her some money when i go out, i were to punch her in the face (i’d say kick in the throat, er, but i think the ole groin muscles are getting a bit old for that shit). it is just to say that 1) i think the focus on interiority and individual choice and action can confuse the point a bit and 2) the strength of my feelings on this very position only backs up my thought that violence as a topic is something to which we all seem to feel the need to establish a right ethical and maybe even moral relation, and it plays a big part in each of our responses. well, except for my sister who apparently just likes to sacrifice innocents for fun. hey, speaking of which, we should hang out soon er.
as for euge in particular, in my opinion you are a violent person if, as chava suggests, this is based on the intensity and creativeness and realness of your fantasies. but i think your restraint is, for better or worse, going to hold up. as you said to begin with: you are angry, not crazy.