tmnt
Just in case I haven’t made it clear, I’m like a child. But it’s okay. Twenty-plus years later, these guys are still teenagers, too.
I have a friend who thought it’d be funny to snicker at length when she heard I went to see TMNT on opening night like some kind of colossal geek. But a couple months ago, she argued on my side when asked to predict the victor in a battle between Son Goku and Doraemon. I’m just saying that these judgments function on something of a relative scale. At the end of the day, though, the joke is on her, because when she mocks me, she’s paying some kind of attention to me implicitly, so I win. But all of this is really to say that, if you whip out your telescoping lens, you’ll see some rough, dorky waters ahead.
For more than two decades, with varying levels of intensity, I’ve been following the adventures of four terrapin brothers in forms that span all of my media-related interests: Comics, serial animation, live action, and now CGI. In fact, it would be fair to say that the TMNT have inspired me at one point or another in all of my creative pursuits. Depending on who you ask, this is a point of debatable benefit to anyone. Still, the series holds a special and enduring place in my heart, along with Star Wars and Gundam, which to me means a great deal, and to you probably means it’s a miracle I’ve ever kissed a girl. But I did once, and she was pretty. It was neat.
The movie is fun, but probably not for you. It caters to so many of my own specific tastes that I can’t honestly say that anyone but me would enjoy it in the amount or the degree to which I did. The design style is (with the exception of Splinter), exactly what I had wanted to see. Like the new Batman animated series, it’s an anime/urban graffiti sort of aesthetic which makes me think of guys like Humberto Ramos and Jeff Matsuda. I’m a sucker for big hands and feet. There’s one major problem, though. What the fuck is Zhang Ziyi doing in this movie? Well, I’ll tell you. She’s voicing Karai, new leader of the Foot Clan and The Shredder’s successor. You’d know who she was if you’d been watching the latest version of the show instead of off having a life. Anyway, what’s up with Zhang Ziyi playing Japanese chicks all the time? I mean, it’s not like she needs the work; She’s been in every movie I’ve seen that’s been shot across the Pacific for the last five years. And a bunch that weren’t. It’s an outrage. Is she trying to trick everyone into thinking she’s Japanese? Doesn’t she have any pride or honor or stuff that those people think is important? Doesn’t she feel like a fraud? Doesn’t she feel a constant and relentless shame? Let us move on.
In the past, I think I’ve defined myself as a person who isn’t particularly prone to nostalgia. How I yearn for those long-gone days of yore. If my posts here are any indication, and I assure you that they are, I’m having a relatively shitty present, and my enthusiasm for the future is at an all-time low. I’m not saying this condition is permanent, but right now, I’m a pretty nostalgic motherfucker. I’m somewhere between the recently grounded astronaut and the middle-aged former high school football star. Yeah, it’s not pretty. But these changes have been evident in my enjoyment of the latest turtles adventure. You see, back in the day, I had a decided affection for Donatello. So much so that, while each of the cool kids in my class were straining to force comparisons between themselves and the right Beastie Boy, I had settled on the sentimental, geeky and probably most gentle of four reptilian warriors. You know, as much as you can be those things and also a ninja who beats people with a blunt object, anyway. I’ve lost that version of myself somewhere along the way, though. These days, I’m all about Raphael’s unending anger and living life as a nocturnal rage-fueled hate machine. Do you even need the machine then if you’re fueling it with the same thing it’s generating? It’s like a machine that, only when fed apples, produces apples. So it’s pretty much just a tube, isn’t it? An empty one. And there we go.
I’m starting to wish I’d been on the other side of that Doraemon argument.
March 27th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Donatello does machines!
Raphael is cool but crude!
March 27th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Yeah, didn’t you think bringing in that thing about machines was kind of undermining your whole “I’m just another Raf” bit? Although if you really were like Don you would make a rage-fueled hate machine that actually did something. Like say you put in a whole lot of raw, uncontrollable rage (very hard to get it in there, what with it being uncontrollable and all) and it comes out as hate in the form of a cute little alty girl? Much like a machine that you feed apples and pie crust and it comes out apple pie. I know, the technological possibilities are blowing your mind. And this is getting a little too close to “when life give you lemons…”
“…blind people with their acidic juices.” Who’s Rafael now, bitch?
March 27th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
No, obviously, I wasn’t thinking at all. Don’t you get it? I don’t think anymore, I just hate. But since you bring it up, your machine is conceptually flawed and paradoxical, since having a cute little alty girl alleviates resulting anger, thus potentially rendering the machine useless and inoperable as a result of a dearth of fuel. Besides, the only thing more difficult to handle than uncontrollable anger is little alty girls. So, it’s like if the apple machine popped out equally delicious but invisible and/or extra slippery apples. Who benefits from such nonsense? Um… I mean… Grrr… Must kill.
Also, it’s “rude” not “crude,” and stop spelling Raph’s name wrong. You people bring that non-cannonical shit in here and you call down the thunder.
March 27th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
well, i’ll concede spelling anytime, but i stand by “crude”….listen to the song!
March 27th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Euge, I don’t need a telescoping lens to see that you are a dork. I barely have to squint. I wanted to be Donatello too! I loved when Corey Feldman did his voice in the first TMNT movie. I was smitten. And while we’re on the topic, I wanted to be Ad Rock. Point is, Raph’s a hack. Oh, wah, pay attention to me, I’m mad! You’re no Raphael. Listen to Splinter dude…
“My Master Yoshi’s first rule was “Possess the right thinking.” Only then can one receive the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace. I have tried to channel your anger, Raphael, but more remains. Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward it is an unconquerable enemy. You are unique among your brothers, for you choose to face this enemy alone. But as you face it, do not forget them, and do not forget me. I am here, my son.”
The cracka rests.
March 27th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
okay fine, Raph. You’re not trying to be my ex-boyfriend. Um, I mean my other ex-boyfriend.
I see no conceptual flaw in a machine that once used is no longer necessary. I suppose you think nuclear, excuse me, nucular weaponry is conceptually flawed too.
I think if you’re going to trust Er to do your homework you should trust her advice as well. Or at least the advice of Masta Splinta. Oh sorry, is that not canonical enough for you, mister I like Matsuda’s The Batman?
And I thought for a second you wrote: pooped out equally delicious but invisible and/or extra slippery apples. That would have been better. But it made me giggle anyway.
March 30th, 2007 at 10:53 pm
I saw TMNT tonight. In my opinion, as in this post the movie also focuses on Ralph’s temper which had me thinking for a while that he deserved a major smack in the face. I understood why he felt so impatient in the animated series and movies but this time he was more like a junkie trying to satisfy his needs.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of brute force and letting the demons out to satisfy their blood thirst. I just didn’t see much reason for him to be a pain in the neck to Leo. I know it sucks to be told you can’t be a leader because you are a high tempered person. That would really fuel my temper. But I don’t know, I just think that a little reasoning would have gone a long way but Splinter was too soft on the guys in this movie.
The story was cool, other than the family matters. The other stuff, the side story about an immortal trying to make things right was ok. April and KC living together was unusual for me. I expected more fighting between them but I hardly paid attention to them.
I only liked two scenes in the movie. One was the fight between Leo and Ralph and the second was when Michael turned in his helmet.
About the animation I wasn’t satisfied with it. Sometimes I wasn’t sure what I was watching, at one point I thought I was watching a new Ghostbusters’s animated movie. Sometimes I thought I was watching The Invincibles part 2.
Sometimes I just wish that animatronics where popular again. When I initially heard that they were coming with a new TMNT movie, I wanted it to be animatronics like the first movie but with a CGI kick just to complement it. BUT NO it had to be 3D animation. I have nothing against 3D animation it’s just that some movies such as this one deserve the treatment that Spiderman and Superman is getting. What I mean is perfect harmony between CGI and action suits. That’s just my opinion. Work with synthetic foam it’s getting better right?
April 2nd, 2007 at 3:29 am
Ok, so I was in that class and I don’t remember anyone being into the Beastie Boys more than myself, and yet I was working (just as hard as you were with don) at trying to be like Mikey. If that doesn’t just shoot your angsty I was a teenage wuss argument full of holes I don’t know what does. I mean I could have been raph too. nobody wanted to be raph. but noooo. I choose the goofy clumsy misguided pizza loving fool. The really irrating thing is that while you are like don, the stalward loyal thoughtful enginering warrior, I am really like mike.
Further I would argue with “I can’t honestly say that anyone but me would enjoy it in the amount or the degree to which I did”. I think you know why. I mean there was beeze, but he’s seemed to have moved on hasn’t he? but not us, no. we enjoy our rut.
I am really really sad that I could not have joined you on opening night. it would have been a ball. I am further saddened that I will have to wait forever and ever to actually see it on the far side of the world.